February 2012
3 posts
Lent...
Some people give up things like drinking or smoking in observance of lent. I gave up giving fucks for lent. Because unlike cigarettes and a nice drink, I just don’t have enough fucks to go around.
October 2011
2 posts
Just when you think iTunes "Genius...
…it goes and throws Hoku’s “Perfect Day” in the mix. I can’t help but be insulted really.
I always practice safe sex...
Unless they are from Europe. They have their own built-in condoms.
March 2011
1 post
Life...
Fuck.
February 2011
4 posts
V-DAy
Funny Moment: I can hear my downstairs neighbors having the loudest sex AND two cats outside having, what sounds like, the most painful sex in the world.
I am in my underwear on Tumblr.
January 2011
2 posts
Wasn't Much For College, But Aced My...
No Kaplan prep classes can prepare you for such - here are a few answers to some tough questions in life.
Multiple Choice:
1.) Deep throating a huge dick is a lot like which of the following?
ANSWER - a. Trying to get that toy out of bottom of a Family Size box of Cheerios. It takes a while and worth the effort, but either way, it’s just a mess.
Analogies:
Astroglide: Maple Syrup :: ID...
December 2010
1 post
November 2010
5 posts
Children Cancer
SCENE: Me sitting on my front stoop smoking a cigarette as, what I assume to be, a married couple passing with a child in a stroller.
Father: ”You know those give you cancer.”
Me: ”Yeah, well at least this cigarette will end in 3 short breaths. The cancer your pushing in that stroller will destroy your body and bank account for the next 20 years.” *flicks cigarette...
Bieber Fever
FUN GAME: Look up “beaver” on Wikipedia and replace the word “Beaver” with “Bieber” — “Biebers have webbed hind-feet, and a broad, scaly tail. They have poor eyesight, but keen senses of hearing, smell, and touch. A bieber’s teeth grow continuously so that they are not worn down by chewing on wood.”
"I have a hairy asshole, cum play"
Attn Grindr Users,
I understand the purpose of the application, as I am sure “most” of you do as well. It’s for us gays to cast out our trolling net to catch a fistful of full-on butt fucking and cock gobbling.
Got it.
I might be in the minority here, but I find it completely unnecessary to unveil the amount of hair that is on your asshole before a proper introduction.
Mind...
August 2010
18 posts
A heavy heart...
Why does my laptop feel heavier as more porn is added to it?
Foreskin...
I wish I had more of it. I would put things in it, like a “My Little Pony” or drugs.
Facebook Photo Albums...
You could be a conservative republican with down syndrome, but the instant you go on vacation and leave your photos public I am all in them like a cat in a house plant.
True story...My dog ate my used condom.
MY HAND AT JOKE-WRITING FOR STANDUP…Enjoy. This is a completely fabricated (partially-true) story.
SETUP:
I don’t have sex much. For gays, as fun as sex is, it really has a lot of elements to it that, let’s face it, aren’t always appealing.
A.) It’s butt sex. Things come out of there. Things probably shouldn’t be stuck in there, but they do because it...
She'll never get "a leg" up in life...
True Story: Church campers take her prosthetic leg; now Fairhope pre-teen attends amputee camp
FAIRHOPE, Alabama — Last month, campers at a church camp stole 11-year-old Fairhope amputee Whitney Hemphill’s prosthetic leg while she was showering. The prank left the Fairhope pre-teen stuck in the camp shower and embarrassed. When she got home, she cried and said she didn’t ever...
July 2010
13 posts
I wish...
emotions weren’t so fattening.
One word...
Twatbasket.
Dogs and semen...
I always think of myself as socailly awkward, but from people’s reactions I can only gather that I am only slightly amusing with a dash of uncomfortability.
So I have a roomate. Whenever I tell straight couples or my mom that I have a roomate they automatically go into judgemental mode. Like as if me having a “roomate” means that I am socially committed to another queer the...
Butt Plug Baby...
So, I have two younger brothers. They are both gingers. I am the oldest, non-ginger brother. My little brothers don’t know any better and can’t control their little ginger hormones. As a result, my middle brother and his girlfriend recently had a baby together.
It is the cutest little thing, though. His name is “Oh, shit Mom is gonna be pissed.” I am kidding, his...
June 2010
8 posts
